Mommy is guilty as charged

Ranjani had tagged me some time back. Sorry, Ranjani, for not doing the tag for such a long time. I have no excuse but my laziness.

Yesterday, however, I went out with a friend and her one-and-a-half year old son, who adores A and will keep asking for her by his pronounciation of her name every time he sees me, expecting her to be somewhere around me all the time.

We did many things (like browsing in a bookshop and picking up some books) that I know A would have loved to do with us. I kept thinking of her all the time, and was wishing it was a holiday, so that she could have accompanied us. Maybe I will take her out on the next school holiday.

Mommy feeling guilty? You bet!

According to the tag, I have to

1. Write about 2 instances where you have put yourself before your child/ children... been a wee bit selfish.
2. How did you feel? Did you feel a pang of guilt or were you comfortable?
3. Tag 2 more moms

I have always had A along with me since she was born. Since we do not stay with extended family, it was only us all the time. I never had anyone to help with her. I have,  of course, my house-help who comes in everyday for housework, but taking care of A and cooking is something I never liked to nor wanted to delegate.

The first time I spent some time alone without A around was when she joined school. Even there, I would say it was I who had a bad case of separation anxiety - A was ready for mixing socially, and so settled down there quite soon.

Over the years, I have grown to like the 'me time' I get when I am by myself. I find that it is essential for me to have this time for myself, to do as I please, without worrying about the kid's or the husband's schedules. Reading, morning walks, blogging, working on something interesting, browsing in bookshops, going shopping or catching a movie/theatre programme with friends or by myself, eating out sometimes. When A was younger, I also caught up on the listening to music other than nursery rhymes and other children's songs when she was elsewhere. All the things a stay-at-home-mom may do after all her chores are done!

Of course, I love the times we can spend together on days when she has a holiday. Some of the best times we have spent together are sitting together, each with her book in her hands. Yes, I have a little reader at home, and I'm glad it's so.

So I would have to really think for doing this tag. Let me see-

1. Harry Potter. A is as much into the series as I am. Only difference being, that I discovered the series in 2004, when she was just three, and she began reading them in 2009, two years after book 7 was published. True to my belief that she should read the books before she watches the movies, she has watched them all only on TV. Except for Deathly Hallows 1 & 2. She began with book 7 much after DH 1 had gone from theatres, and we are still waiting for the movie to come on TV, or for us to pick up the DVD, which we will probably do only after all the movies come on DVD, and we can buy the boxed set. Of course we finished reading book 7 at super speed in time for her to watch the last movie on the big screen. Went to watch it with Choxbox, her FB and another friend from school and her mother, all big on Harry Potter.

So I would go to watch all the earlier HP movies on big screen without her, even when I knew that she would have loved to watch them with me on big screen. That would be Order of the Phoenix, Half-Blood Prince and Deathly Hallows 1. If I count the fact that most of her friends went to these movies without reading the books, that would include Goblet of Fire, too.

2. A has never been one of those kids who pester their parents to buy something, anything, everytime they make a visit to a shop. Except when we are in a bookshop. Woe betide me if I take her to a bookshop and do not buy something that she will enjoy. So I do not plan a bookshop visit with her if I have not budgeted for at least one book for her to choose and buy. There are also all those books that are interesting enough to pick up, small enough to be read quickly, but too expensive to pick up, and sometimes for a younger age group. Think of all those fabulous picture books we have not yet got our hands on! So we take advantage of bookshops' policies which allow the customers to make themselves comfortable and read away if they may.

Considering her love of books, and of browsing in bookshops, there have been many occasions when I have gone for it alone- when I have to go to a book sale which it might not be possible to go for on the week-end, which might be in a far-off location, or if I just up and go plonk myself in my favourite book shop on a day when I need some retail therapy. Do I feel guilty? Yes, I do, indeed. As Choxbox will be able to testify, I often pick up a whole lot of books, then realising that they would be way beyond my budget, put away most of those that are for myself, and end up buying those that I know A will enjoy!

To A's credit, she has never consciously made me feel guilty about these things, taking it as gospel that the book has to be read first, and she is overjoyed when I get her something on my book-shopping trips. Yes, she makes me feel guilty about that, too. Contrarily, I would not have felt as bad if she had gotten upset about it.

That was my rather wordy take on the tag. I would like to tag Choxbox and Sangi. Both are ladies I admire immensely for their out-of-the-box thinking and from whom I learn so much. There are some more out there whom I would have loved to tag, but the rules say I have to tag two. So anyone else who wants to take it up is welcome to do so. Let us hear your mommy-guilt secrets, ladies!

It is never too late for mommy to learn

Sangi has tagged me with this very interesting tag. I need to pick out 5 things that being a mother has taught me. Hmmm...let's see.

1. Are you there, God?
I grew up in a household which put a lot of premium by God, prayers, going to temples, rituals, etc., but I was never convinced of the existence of the said almighty. If anything, I actively rebelled against all of what seemed to me to be a lot of foaming at the mouth over something that was not proven to be existing anyway.

Oh, I knew all the scriptures I was expected to know as a child- the mythology, the epics, the prayers, what could/could not be done- the works. I have to thank my grandmother for much of that.  Not complaining! It has definitely enriched me.

I was, however, entirely confused by a ritualistic approach to God- an insistance on the paraphernelia of religion- that one must have red flowers/ white flowers/ leaves of a particular plant/ coconuts, etc. for a God that seemed to me too petty to have wanted all that JUST SO. My belief thus bordered on atheism, but, as I feel sometimes, I threw the baby out with the bathwater. Pun not intended.

Having A was a miracle of sorts. I had her quite late, also having complications during pregnancy, a difficult labour and finally, an emergency C-section. The anxiety and heartache I went through during all this, and finally having her, healthy and whole, in my arms made feel that yes, there must be a God.

So did I finally get religion? Not quite. I cannot still abide by rituals. The occasional pooja I do, on festive days, is more to introduce this part of her culture to A, rather than for its own sake. I do not pray everyday, for then, I feel, it will become a meaningless ritual; or go that extra mile to get those red flowers/ white flowers, etc. I do pray the day I feel like praying, for, on that day, I know that my prayer is true and heart-felt, and it will certainly reach God. And A knows all the prayers, songs and stories that are part of her inheritance, her birthright as my grandmother's great-grand-daughter.

At times, I even feel close enough to God to quarrel or fight, if need be. When I feel the presense of the divine, my eyes close of their own accord and I bow my head. Spiritual yearnings? Maybe.

2. A smile in my heart.
"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." Osho Rajneesh.

When I see the affection A has for younger children, the raptures she goes into over any baby, see the affinity younger children have for her, I think back to myself as a child- heck, myself as a grown-up and wonder over how different she is from me in this aspect. As an adult, I loved babies, still do, and am a natural in handling the extremely fragile lovelies. But I normally cannot have easy coversations with older kids, unless they share my interest in books. I was never what you would consider 'mother material'. I never fantasised over having babies as she does, never wanted to get the little kids in the neighbourhood together to raise rabble. I was fine with my book in my corner, inhabiting my imaginary world, thank you very much!

When I saw the two purple stripes, and later A's heart going 'twinkle, twinkle' at an impossible rate on the screen at an ultrasound, I realised how much I wanted my baby. Connecting with her when in utero was an out-of-this-world experience, and I was absolutely smitten by her once I had her in my arms.

Please bear with me over the next paragraph.

The day she was born was an extremely hot day even by Mumbai standards. Since all AC rooms were occupied at the time, I was moved to a non-AC room temporarily, just for one day's time. A could not yet suckle, and as a result she got dehydrated. She was taken away by the nursing staff on duty for some time (the nursing home believed in rooming in; babies were NOT taken away to the nurseries like in most hospitals those days. AND the obstetrician was a dear friend, who had hand-held me through my extremely difficult pregnancy, with me going ballistic over things that could go wrong- a distinct disadvantage of being in the know in medicine) on the doctor's orders, so that she could be given some glucose water orally to tide over till she could suckle. The panic I went into over that was unimaginable. This was my baby. Where were they taking her? Why? So what if these were doctor's orders? Couldn't they do whatever they needed to do right there, in front of me? Blah, blah, blah, blah...you fill it in.

Love is here to stay. Always, in my heart. No matter what, no matter when, no matter how.

3. They are not always right, nor always wrong.
As a child, I often thought my parents were always right in everything, until came a time when I thought just the reverse. Now they could do nothing right. And one's peers also thought the same of their parents at the same time. So I often ended up blaming my parents for things that I did not do right.

While some of it may be true, (see, I have a long way to go yet!) I realise now as hands-on mom that my parents always did that which they thought was right at the time, and what was humanly possible for them. The realisation has gone a long way in making my peace with them over issues we didn't see eye-to-eye.

Something I hope my daughter also realises over a period of time- that her mother is just human, and that I do the best I can do, the best I believe I should do. I hope to God that it is the right thing.

4. Just a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down!
Coming from a background where my mother was the rulebook, and considering that I rebelled against it wholeheartedly, sometimes even to my detriment, I always thought that with my child I would be different. I would not do this, or that, that I would always talk to my child, explain things, do things right. I am not saying that I had bad parents, just that they were very conservative, old-fashioned, and pretty much followed the norms of the times they lived in.

I was living in a fool's paradise. No, not till she came along, but till she learnt to stand up to me and say NO! WON'T! pretty early in her toddlerhood. A true-blue Taurean, she knew very well how to dig her heels in and...err...so did I.

I had to go great lengths to unlearn all that I had absorbed. As always, I took the help of books. It was a lot of trial, and much more of error. Still is sometimes. I learnt that logic works more wonders with A than putting my foot down. I need to back off and calm down, be less authoritarian. I who needs to get my act together if I am to make any headway with teaching this lovely but stubborn as a mule child of mine the right things. Blogs by friends who are wonderful parents, like Starry,  Choxbox  and  Sangi help. Their views and extremely clear headed analysis of so many little things often show me the light.

5. It is never too late to get an education.
Having a daughter taught me so many things.
*That one cannot learn everything from books.
*That I cannot bear it when she is in pain, but have to be strong enough for both of us to make it bearable.
*Everything that is humanly possible is certainly achievable, especially if your child needs it of you.
*The human body is amazing- and this doesn't include just what they teach you at medical school. One can survive on the barest minimum of sleep, oxytocin and lots of TLC.
*That much more can be achieved by being patient and explaining things instead of laying down the law.
*That sometimes one is only human and wishes one does not have to explain things so much but can lay down the law!:)
*That one can have conversations with an extra-chattery child where one can switch off and yet make satisfactory rejoinders.
*That even though one loves the child so much, one can wish that someone takes her away for the day, on the stipulation that she is returned in the evening safe and sound. Sending her off to school is the best option.
*That the best part of the day is when A comes home with a smile and a hug for mommy, followed closely by the time in the morning when everybody, including the husband, are out and one can finally rest one's errr...backside with a hot, steaming cup of tea.
*That children can ask the darnedest questions. And one never has an answer for them when they are asked in company.
*That one has absymal / long forgotten / outdated knowledge about the things children learn as early as in middle grade. And that one has to read up a lot to be able to keep up.
*That it is a lot of fun to do things together, and it does not always have to cost a bomb.
*That the best times we have spent together are when we have sat together on the bean-bags near the wide open windows, reading aloud to her in the light streaming in from a book I have loved and wanted to share with her.
*That one has to exercise tough love at times and settle for being the bad cop- mommies often are, as they are the ones usually around. That certainly goes for SAHM mothers like me, as also for working moms, though that bit is slowly changing.
*That there is no single rule about how things should be done, although a large portion of love, faith, hope, belief in oneself and patience is required on our plate.

I have to tag five others as part of the rules. I would like to tag Starry, Utbtkids, Ranjani, Crazy mum and Arundhati.  Let us know what you think, ladies. 

Tag- Books to be read according to a BBC survey

Picked up this tag from Monika's World. An interesting topic.

Rules of the tag- We are supposed to print in bold those books that we have read in their entirety, and italicize those that have been partly read, even if it is an excerpt. Tag others who may be as book mad as you are. And link back to me.

I am changing the rules a wee bit. Other than printing in bold those that are read, underline those of these that have been read more than once.

According to a BBC survey, most people will have read only 6 out of the 100 listed here! Amazing.

1. Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen
2. The Lord of the Rings – JRR Tolkien
3. Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte
4. Harry Potter series – JK Rowling
5. To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee
6. The Bible
7. Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte
8. Nineteen Eighty Four – George Orwell
9. His Dark Materials – Philip Pullman
10. Great Expectations – Charles Dickens
11. Little Women – Louisa M Alcott
12. Tess of the D’Urbervilles – Thomas Hardy
13. Catch 22 – Joseph Heller
14. Complete Works of Shakespeare
15. Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier
16. The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien
17. Birdsong – Sebastian Faulk
18. Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger
19. The Time Traveler’s Wife – Audrey Niffenegger
20. Middlemarch – George Eliot
21. Gone With The Wind – Margaret Mitchell
22. The Great Gatsby – F Scott Fitzgerald
23. Bleak House – Charles Dickens
24. War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy
25. The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams
26. Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoyevsky
27. Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck
28. Alice in Wonderland – Lewis Carroll
29. The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahame
30. Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy
31. David Copperfield – Charles Dickens
32. Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis
33. Emma -Jane Austen
34. Persuasion – Jane Austen
35. The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe – CS Lewis
36. The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini
37. Captain Corelli’s Mandolin – Louis De Bernieres
38. Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden
39. Winnie the Pooh – A.A. Milne
40. Animal Farm – George Orwell
41. The Da Vinci Code – Dan Brown
42. One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
43. A Prayer for Owen Meaney – John Irving
44. The Woman in White – Wilkie Collins
45. Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery
46. Far From The Madding Crowd – Thomas Hardy
47. The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood
48. Lord of the Flies – William Golding
49. Atonement – Ian McEwan
50. Life of Pi – Yann Martel
51. Dune – Frank Herbert
52. Cold Comfort Farm – Stella Gibbons
53. Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen
54. A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth
55. The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon
56. A Tale Of Two Cities – Charles Dickens
57. Brave New World – Aldous Huxley
58. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time – Mark Haddon
59. Love In The Time Of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
60. Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck
61. Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov
62. The Secret History – Donna Tartt
63. The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold
64. Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas
65. On The Road – Jack Kerouac
66. Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy
67. Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding
68. Midnight’s Children – Salman Rushdie
69. Moby Dick – Herman Melville
70. Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens
71. Dracula – Bram Stoker
72. The Secret Garden – Frances Hodgson Burnett
73. Notes From A Small Island – Bill Bryson
74. Ulysses – James Joyce
75. The Inferno – Dante
76. Swallows and Amazons – Arthur Ransome
77. Germinal – Emile Zola
78. Vanity Fair – William Makepeace Thackeray
79. Possession – AS Byatt
80. A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens
81. Cloud Atlas – David Mitchell
82. The Color Purple – Alice Walker
83. The Remains of the Day – Kazuo Ishiguro
84. Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert
85. A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry
86. Charlotte’s Web – E.B. White
87. The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom
88. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
89. The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton
90. Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad
91. The Little Prince – Antoine De Saint-Exupery
92. The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks
93. Watership Down – Richard Adams
94. A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole
95. A Town Like Alice – Nevil Shute
96. The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas
97. Hamlet – William Shakespeare

  99.   Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Roald Dahl
 100.  Les Miserables – Victor Hugo

There is one book missing in the list I got- no.98.

MY SCORE-

Completely read: 41
Of these, read more than once: 24
Partially read: 26 

Not a bad score. There are quite a few interesting books here that I have not attempted. Must do that sometime. Should include them in my bucket list.

The ones that I read partially:
Some were abandoned because I couldn't go on...didn't suit my taste.
Some were read at a time when I was too young for the particular book-case in point: I attempted books by Tolstoy and Dostoyevsky in my 6th-8th grades. Obviously it went over my head, or I got bored.
Some were read partially, but I put them down because I had something else that I needed to read more urgently, and didn't pick them up again. An oversight I intend correcting.

The favourites were obviously re-read, at various times in my life. I would love to re-read quite a few of those now too.

If the average at the survey was 6 / 100, I am clearly a misfit. Obviously I have no problem with that!

Thanks, Monika, for a great tag!

Anyone who wants to do it can pick it up. Would love to see your lists, too!

Facing my fears

This post of mine made think a lot about fear and courage. So I decided to do a tag on fear. All you have to do is list 5 things that inspire fear in you and write about them. Then link it up with a book, (what else do you expect in a tag by me?!) any book which deals with fear or courage. And then you have to tag at least 5 people. And do not forget to link your post back to this post. Simple.

The big bad wolf. Fear, unfortunately, makes the wolf seem bigger. Fear. Wikipedia defines it as an emotional response to a perceived threat. Fear. A primal response necessary for the very survival of a species. The fight or flight response.

Most animals, as we know, attack or kill for two reasons only: hunger, in case of carnivores, and fear. To protect themselves, when they feel threatened. The higher the animal on the evolutionary scale, the more complex the reasons for fear. Human beings have developed fear into a fine art. We have reasonable as well as unreasonable fears. But even the unreasonable fears are very real for the person who feels them, and it is never a good thing to belittle them. They make us very vulnerable, however, and I think the whole thing about the 'macho man' is a result of getting into a denial mode.

The adrenaline rush experienced due to fear is, contrarily, enjoyed by many. The frisson of fear you feel while reading a good horror story or watching a thriller or on a roller-coaster ride is a version of fear. Whole industries have grown over this courting of the feeling of fear. Imagine watching one such horror movie in 3D!

Fear, on the other hand can be spine-chilling and mind-numbing, too. It can make one want to curl up and hide away from the world. It can make you want to give up.

Courage is the ability to face one's fears and look them in the eye. Not an absence of fear. Sometimes we do not know that we have what it takes to be courageous. We surprise ourselves sometimes when we stumble upon it.

So what are five of my biggest fears?

1.  Death is everybody's greatest fear. Do I fear death? To be honest, not the fact of death. But I do fear the manner of death. I hope when I get called, it will be peaceably, in my sleep. Out like a light.

2.  I am mortally afraid of becoming ignominiously physically and mentally dependent on anyone in my old age. I hope I never face that. I hate feeling helpless, and one of my greatest fears is being in a situation where I or my loved ones are at the mercy of others. Who knows what the future holds? But I certainly hope that I never have to face this fear.

3.  Vertigo. I am afraid of heights. My awesome experience of the Grand Canyon was marred by my unfortunate inability to stand near the edge and feel a thrill.

4.  Speed. I'm a scaredy cat here. Combine this one with the earlier one, and you have a person who absolutely refuses to go on any thrill ride. Las Vegas was a nightmare for me, and I happily stood holding our belongings while the husband went on every ride there was.

5. Snakes and creepy-crawlies. I remember as a child I would refuse to even look at pictures of these. We stayed in a bungalow then, and once during the rains, a whole bunch of baby cobras entered our verandah. I don't remember how we got rid of them, but I do remember being very very frightened.  I'm not so squeamish about pictures now, but the thought of one of those near me...EEK! We had gone to Gerry Martin's farm once where he demonstrated handling of snakes. Even his daughter, who is younger than A, can handle them! I stood at a safe distance and my repect for naturalists increased many-fold. I do wield a mean insecticide sprayer, though.

What about courage, you say? Well, I'll accept that my fears paralyse me. Most of the time.

A book? Here it is.

SOME THINGS ARE SCARY
(No Matter How Old You Are)
Written by Florence Parry Heide.
Illustrated by Jules Feiffer.
Published by Candlewick press.
Ages: 3+ to adult.
ISBN 0-7636-2147-1

Image: Courtesy Amazon.

A baby associates its mother with security. Even a very small baby clutches at the person holding it. Survival reflex. No baby needs to learn it. The same baby does not have any idea about an injection being a source of pain. It will gurgle away until the needle is stuck in. Then it will give a loud wail of protest, cry some, and then quieten. Try getting an older child who knows what an injection is to agree to an injection, and you'll have a perfect demonstration of fear. A shy child fearful of social situations will hide behind its mother. A person with stage-fright will go to any lengths to ensure that he/she never has to speak in front of a group. The same person will be OK in a one-to-one situation. Fear of the unknown is universal. Whether you admit it or not.

The author has given us a wonderful book, with all kind of fears a child (or a grown-up) can have. There is something here everyone can relate to.

Just some of these-

Stepping on something squishy when you're in your bare feet...is scary.


Thinking you're not going to be picked for either side...is scary.


Holding on to someone's hand that isn't your mother's when you thought it was...is scary.


Having people looking at you and laughing and you don't know why...is scary.


Climbing a tree when you don't remember how to get down...is scary.

And the best- Knowing you're going to grow up to be a grown-up...is scary.

The illustrations by Jules Feiffer are whimsical and reminiscent of Quentin Blake. Making a book on fear a fun-filled one for children. As it says on the blurb- A lot of things are scary...but they can be pretty funny, too. Jules Feiffer has, among other books, done the illustrations of that must read classic for children, The Phantom Tollbooth.

So get your thinking hats on, ladies, and let us hear from you. If something is too personal to share, we understand that you can't share it. But you can certainly come up five things that you can. Go forth fearlessly. I tag Choxbox,  Starry,  Artnavy,  Utbtkids,  Monika  and Usha.  That's an eclectic mix, if I say so myself. And I know I have tagged six. But I'm taking that liberty as the originater of the tag. Anyone else fearless/fearful enough to take it up is welcome to do so. And just your comments are welcome too.
  
Whatever fears we may have, there is always security in numbers. As I have quoted from a book by Michael Morpurgo in this post by me,  we may not always acknowledge our fears, but just the realisation that we are not alone helps.

"So I asked him...why he didn't just run away. And he said: 'Because of my pals. We're in this together. We look after each other.' You've got pals, haven't you, dear?"
"Yes," I replied, "but they like coming back to school. They love it."
"I wonder if they really do," she said. "Maybe they just pretend better than you."

Unwomanly behaviour, anyone?

Picking this tag up from Art. When I checked out the rules of the tag at this post by IHM,  I found out that she had invited both Sandhyas to pick up the tag. So here is my list.

1. I do pretty much all the banking, payments, grocery shopping, etc. at home, in my time, on weekdays. No keeping anything for the weekends when the husband is at home. Unless it is for something decided on the spur of the moment.

2. My nails have always been kept cut short. I don't remember a time even in my teens when I grew them. Also I couldn't ever abide by nail polish on my fingernails. I do use it on my toes although even they are always trimmed short. Polish on my toe-nails has more to do with protecting them from infections. Don't go much by the cleanser-and-moisturiser-and-blow-drying-hair routine most of my girlfriends swear by.  A thorough scrubbing at the morning bath, a quick combing through the hair and a tie around it and I am ready to face the world. Moisturisers are to be used only if the Bangalore weather makes things so dry that my skin itches. To sooth. Never use makeup too.

3. Furnishings at home are of the no-nonsense kind with none of the 'girly' stuff. There are also books everywhere instead of curios, flowers, etc. Certainly not 'ladylike.'

4. I prefer putting on denims and a tee-shirt at home or a kurti if going out. Cannot abide by saris even if they are voted to be 'the most graceful attire' by most people. Other women may feel graceful in it. I just feel as if I am wearing a strait-jacket and find it extremely difficult to go about my daily business in it. I wear saris only at weddings and such and only because I'll be clobbered by my sisters-in-law.(Actually we are all sinners-in-cahoots. Am great friends with all these ladies as well as being related to them through marriage. Maybe this is one more unfeminine thing. Aren't we supposed to speak against each other?). This distaste extends to broad dupattas on salwar-kameezes. If they have to be worn, they are worn with a chiffon dupatta which does not need much 'sanwarna', or with none at all if they happen to have a high collar. I have been nagged at by many friends for not 'dressing up' on many occasions.

5. Only jewellery I use is the mangalsutra, my engagement ring, one bangle on right hand/watch on the other, and earstuds. These never come off. There is no 'changing jewellery to match attire' or any costume jewellery. In fact I don't own any. Never bought any jewellery myself except that which was bought at my wedding.

6. I prefer to spend on books more than on anything else. My idea of a good time: Go to a bookshop and spend the whole afternoon browsing.

7. When A goes to play downstairs in the evening, I always accompany her there with a book in my hand. I sit there reading, lost to the world while the other ladies are discussing 'matters of importance'. Read gossip. I am never in the know, and sometimes am laughed at for not knowing the latest. That's OK with me. Though it is me they come to when they want anything to do with books or language or some such thing. Oh, well, it takes all kinds.

8. I am not very good with womenly skills like cooking or embroidery, etc. The husband is a much better cook than I am and I can just about cook typical Maharashtrian food which I learnt at my mother's and grandmother's elbow. And needlework? Well I must say I can mend torn clothes or sew on buttons, but that is about, it.

9. Even as a child I rebelled against "having to learn housework because I was a girl and I should know how to do everything in the house." It would have been OK with me if all of us had to learn it because it is an essential skill. It always angered me that my brothers didn't have to do it while I had to.

10. Have been guilty of encouraging my daughter not to take bullying behaviour from any of her peers. On one occasion when we had gone to a friend's place for dinner, there was a younger boy who was hitting the girls, (all other children were girls) pulling their hair, etc. All of them kept coming to complain to the parents and there was a lot of crying that happened. Suddenly we heard the boy screaming. Some of us went to that room to see what was happenning, and we saw A firmly holding the boy's hands to prevent him from doing whatever it was that he intended doing. Probably pulling her hair. I came to know later that after we left, a lot of talk that day was on how 'a girl was doing this, and how other girls weren't'. As far as I saw, A was just preventing the boy from hitting her, and was not retaliating in kind. We did have a talk with her about the boy being younger and how she should be careful lest she hurt him.

I do, however, love chocolates, soulful music, cuddly toys. In fact, some of the toys I bought for A have been bought because I loved the feel of them. I love little babies and can spend hours playing with them. Although I can't hold a conversation with an older child with 'attitude' for very long.

I have a question, though. How do we decide if any of this behaviour is to be desired or not? Why is it such a sin to be womanly or manly? Shouldn't we just stick to what comes naturally to us and makes us comfortable?

According to the tag, you will be cursed to "wear blue clothes pants if you are a woman and pink shirts if you are a man – for next twelve years" if I don't tag 12 other people. So I tag Choxbox,  Subha,  utbtkids , Usha, the mad momma, Vibha, and anyone else woman enough to pick it up. Sorry, everybody else I know of is already tagged.