Standing up...kid style

There has been a lot of standing up for oneself and setting of boundaries that I have been reading about at Starry's blog. Made me think a lot about my own behaviour in the matter.

I had been quite a militant feminist in my teen years. Somewhere along the way, I have morphed into a closet feminist. Somehow got stuck in a rut of my comfort zone. Have been taking baby steps towards getting out of it, but not sure how long I shall take to get even close to getting there. I owe it to my child.

So the child is growing older and needing help dealing with peer interaction. As always, we turn to books- our best friends.

Last year, the tooth fairy (oh, yes, we still believe in those, and Santa, a la The Polar Express) got A a book that she has thoroughly enjoyed. It has been her constant companion over the past year, given that peer interaction is becoming more and more important. Thanks to her petite built and a possibly outdated interest in books and such, she is often the target of those who think they know better. As parents, we keep talking to her about it whenever an 'incident' happens, even stressing on the fact that every person is special in their own way, and that a lot of what those girls say doesn't become true even if it feels like that. That she has so many wonderful gifts that a lot of those girls do not have. That she just needs to ignore most of that behaviour. And at times, stand up for herself and what she thinks is right.

So when she came across this book on amightygirl.com, the tooth fairy thought it would be good thing to get her.

pic courtesy amightygirl.com

Stand Up For Yourself  & Your Friends
Written by Patti Kelley Criswell
Illustrated by Angela Martini
Published by American Girl Publishing
Ages 8+

We begin by defining bullying. It can be many things, but it is mostly about power. And not all bullies are the stereotypical big, tall, loud, intimidating person. Think Miss Agatha Trunchbull from Matilda. Oh, no, they come in different packages, and at one time or another, any one of us could bully someone else.

The book then goes on to deconstruct the politics of bullying as it occurs, and the strategies to handle it. It is peppered with real incidents reported by real girls, the way they handled it, and a lot of expert-speak on each incident. There are short, snappy, two-page chapters on each topic, with full colour illustrations.

There are also many quizzes the reader can take, like 'Is this bullying?' on identifying which behaviours would qualify as bullying, 'What's your speak-up style?' on how you would deal with a given situation and 'What do you stand for?' on your beliefs about friendship. The very practical and easy to apply tips by experts and kids themselves make for a much appreciated 'cool' factor. Or at least I have been informed so by the kid, who dips into the book often for inspiration.

There is also plenty for the bewildered adult who might be the bystander, the authority figure who may have to tackle a potentially explosive situation, or the parent who has to deal with either end of the bullying episode- the bully or the victim. Much that can be used by the adult in their own interaction with power struggles among their peers too.

A book that can be applied at all levels, with sound strategies that can be extrapolated to situations even beyond the scope of the book. And even though I place it at 8+, younger children can benefit from it too- as more and more, these things happen at a younger age in today's world.

The book has an accompanying journal that I'm sure the tooth fairy is currently considering. A journal full of quizzes, checklists and charts that I'm sure the child will enjoy working on with her own experiences.

Crossposted at Saffrontree.

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And while on the topic of standing up - here is my review on Women's Web of Warrior in a Pink Sari- an autobiographical account of Sampat Pal and her Gulabi Gang.

Review- On My Honor

Pic courtesy goodreads.com

On My Honor
Written by Marion Dane Bauer
Published by Yearling books, an imprint of Random House Children's books.
Ages: 8-12, 12+

Peer pressure. Everyone faces it, children more so. It looms large in their small world, often leading to literally life-and-death situations.

Twelve year old Joel and Tony are 'best friends', very different in temperament, often squabbling and bickering, but inseparable.

Tony- exuberant, fun-loving, risk-taking, with a devil-may-care attitude. Joel, the more cautious of the two, introspecting, sensitive to undercurrents in a situation, a foil for Tony.

On the way to a cliff-climbing trip, (which Joel had earlier tried to wriggle out of, hoping his father would not give him permission to go), the irrepressible Tony had decided he wanted to go swimming in the river instead. The turbulant, treacherous Vermillion river, known for its rapids. Inspite of having promised his father 'on his honor', that he would not do anything dangerous, Joel falls for the bait when Tony accuses him of being over-cautious.

"Sometimes, Bates, you sound just like your old man."
Joel could feel the heat flooding his face. "What's wrong with that?"
" 'Be careful in that tree, son,' " Tony mimicked, " 'you might get hurt. Watch Bobby when he crosses the street. Those drivers never pay any--' "
Joel had been moving closer to Tony as he spoke, and now he gave him a hard shove.

Tony keeps needling Joel, driven by bravado and dare-devilry, goading him to challenge Tony to a swimming race to a sandbar a hundred yards away. With terrible consequences.

Peer pressure. Wanting to fit in. Misplaced confidence. A sense of being indestructible. A devil-may-care attitude. Inability to lose face. Unwillingness to be perceived as a 'coward' when being just sensible and careful. A recipe for disaster?

Marion Dane Bauer has written a fast-paced, racy, but sensitively told story based on a real incident that happenned in the town where she grew up, at the very same place as described in the book. A very short, 90 page book that is very hard-hitting.

Bauer's potrayal of Joel's effort to get out of what is very clearly a fool-hardy venture, without losing face- first hoping that his father would not give his permission, then trying to make Tony see sense is very realistic. It happens ever so often in our own kids' peer-group. The disaster comes on unexpectedly, chillingly, with everything else seemingly the same, unchanged.

The potrayal of Joel's survivor guilt is heart-wrenching. The disbelief, denial, anger, dissociation, grief, a desire to hide, not face the parents, an obsessive 'washing-off of the stench of the river', are powerfully written. It helps, that his father is understanding, trying to help him let go of the paralysing, mind-numbing grief.

The wracking sobs flowed out of him like water.
His father held him for a long time, saying nothing, until Joel's tears came without sound and his breaths were quivering gasps. Even then, his father held him.
"Do you believe in heaven?" he asked at last. "Do you believe Tony's gone there?"
"I don't suppose anybody knows," his father answered gently, "what happens after...I believe there's something about life that goes on. It seems too good to end in a river."

It is a Newbery Honor winner, 1987, and the William Allen White Childrens' book award winner, 1989. A wonderfully written book, that chills me on each reading. Given a thumbs-up by A.

Crossposted at Bookreviews and Saffrontree.

Wrestling with the HOMEWORK monster

Daughter goes to a school following the tenets of Montessori upto middle school, where till now we were all a pampered lot. By 'we' I mean both the kids and the parents. Everything taught was hands-on, and the school accomodated itself to the child's pace. Not complaining at all. A has learnt wonderfully well, and all of it stress-free, too.

So we love school. It suited us perfectly. A is a quick learner, and does a lot of original thinking. Except for one little hitch. We knew this at home already, but this year, for the first time, it featured BIG at her parent-teacher meetings. Every teacher we met came up with it. All of them praised her work as a student-"But, her work is very slow. She needs to speed up in writing, eating, etc. Other children are done with their work, but her work spills over into other classes. Result- she has to take the classwork home with homework. She loses out on free time and fun activities too."

The school follows the ICSE curriculum middle school onwards, and the workload has increased by leaps and bounds this year. The same kids who had never faced any tests (Sure they had quizzes and spelling-bees and such, but again, it was all stress free and not graded!) now had a line-up of weekly tests every term, all graded and counted for assessment. There were the competitive Olympiad tests to prepare for. We also have plenty of homework + classwork-to-be finished everyday, in at least two subjects.

It might not seem like a big deal to parents whose children have been handling the stuff from kindergarten level, and they'd be within their rights to scoff at my hyperventilating. For them, I'll say that consider someone who has never done any sort of regular physical training. Now consider that this person suddenly has to plunge into running 4-5 kms everyday, without taking it step by step. Result- Hair pulled out in clumps?! You get the point.

So. Homework. It has become our waterloo. An assignment that should take no more than half-an-hour to finish gets stretched over a good part of 2 hours. This is in no way due to not understanding what to do, or not knowing the stuff, or even inability to do things fast. On a day that she has a fun activity like a birthday party lined up in the evening, she does finish it at super speed. So- lack of motivation.

The teachers came up with a couple of interesting theories regarding this. It is simply because
(1) she feels she knows it anyway, so why does she have to do it all again? - an attitude that the teachers have recognised in her, and which they tell us is found in many children who come from a school background like theirs. The child's mind has to be reprogrammed to accomodate the demands of an ICSE curriculum, notwithstanding the fact that almost everything is being introduced to them through the montessori methods.
(2) she day-dreams a lot, and her mind is occupied by so many things that she finds infinitely more interesting, and which she is bursting to share with you. So she'll keep meandering off into some line of thought and tell you all about it, and get offended if you do not respond as enthusiastically, but try to bring her back to ground reality by reminding her of the work waiting for her.

Now almost all of this is very creative and very interesting, and about things that are of interest to me too. Case in point- something that she has seen that day triggers off an idea for a story. But as I have told her so many times that she needs to finish the work that she has to finish first. I agree with her that some of it is mindless- copywriting for 2nd /3rd languages for eg., but if you've got to do it, there is no option.

The other time-wasting problem we have on hand is eating. Subject for another post.

A is also one of those kids who needs longer sleep hours, a complete 10 hours at the least. So if we have to get up in the morning at 6 to be ready in time for the school bus, we have to be in bed by 8 pm. She also has dance and music lessons three weekdays after school. This is something that she herself has opted for, and is passionately interested in. We prefer to have these on weekdays, as the weekends can then be free to chill, at home or outside, without the additional hassle of having to hurry then. This leaves us with that much less time for homework and self-study on weekdays.

The whole of last year, everyday had become a battle. Not really between the two of us, (although it seemed that way often), but between the time available on hand and the time we actually took for something. It caused a lot of resentment, both for her as I was perceived as being pushy, and a nagging mother, (I can see it from her tween POV) and for me as the more I pushed, the more she resisted. And this was my turf, as the husband would be away at the office at that time, which made me the bad cop.

There had to be a way out of this catch-22 situation. Inspiration came in the form of this post by Sangi. I decided to adapt it to my needs. A had always been rewarded for something specific that she needed to do, but now needed an added impetus to do it. This time, I thought I will carry it a bit further, and set long term goals.

I worked out a system of points, under which she gets 1 point apiece for getting ready on time in the morning for school, eating her meals (breakfast and dinner on a school day, and lunch included on a holiday/weekend) and 2 points for finishing all her homework in the time I say it should take, after assessing it for the day. No carrying over homework to 'do it tomorrow.' And all this has to be done without my having to shout.

That adds up to 4 points /weekday and 3 points /weekend day.
Totalling to 26 points /week. If she gets all the points for the week - totalled on Sunday evening, she gets a bonus of 4 points.
That totals to 30 points per week.
Add up all points over a period of 3 months, and I will put in a rupee for every point, and she can buy anything she wants that is age-appropriate.
If she wants to save this money up, I'll add one rupee for every 10 that she saves.
Re-assess the situation and repeat the cycle over the next 3 months .

A has managed to get herself very excited over this system, and till now she shas stuck to it, 18 days into the new year. I hope she sticks it out long-term. Keep it going and it should be followed out of sheer habit. And hope to look at this experiment as our first step to a stress-free, relaxed approach to the increasing work as she grows up.

I'm keeping all my fingers and toes crossed. Praying that it works.

And Amy Chua can go take a hike!

SNAP

SNAP. Written by Alison McGhee. Cover photograph by Christine Rodin. Published by Candlewick Press. Ages: 9-12yrs.

Eddie Beckey is an 11yr old. She has a very close friend, Sally Hobart. They have been friends since they both joined 2nd grade as new students. Eddie is likes to have everything under control. She likes to make lists, and has six different coloured rubber bands on her wrist, which she snaps to remind her when she wants to control some bad habit.

Sally lives with her grandmother, Willie, and they both mean the world to each other. Willie's daughter Jill, Sally's mother, lives in the same village, but is unable to take care of Sally. She had been just 15, a few years older than Sally and Eddie are now, when Sally had been born. Jill lives by herself and works at a local store. Incidents in her past have affected her so profoundly, that she has lost the will to speak.

Most of this background is revealed to us in Eddie's musings and flashbacks. During the summer in which the actual incidents of the book are set, something very strange happens, and Eddie's world spins out of control. She keeps feeling that both Sally and Willie are hiding something from her, and she is deeply hurt. After all, they are such close friends that she knows Sally better than Sally herself. Well, almost. So what is it? Eddie is sure it has something to do with Willie. And then she knows.Willie is dying. So who will take care of Sally when she is gone? Will Jill be able to finally look after her daughter? Sally is in such denial, that she even denies the importance of Eddie in her life, all the things they had shared for so many years, all the things that had happened in their lives to make them such close friends.

The book ends with a shift in the relationship between Sally and Eddie. Eddie, who loves Sally's gorgeous, thick hair, which Willie had been braiding in myriad ways all her life, braids it for her in six plaits, using all six of the different coloured rubber bands on her wrist.

Eddie's musings, typical for a teenager, are almost poetic in their intensity, and make reading SNAP an unforgettable experience. The feelings get under your skin and leave you dazzled. The book is classified for ages 9-12, but when I finished with it, I felt it was more appropriate for 15-18yrs, although the protogonist is 11yrs old. I couldn't visualise A reading it right away. For two reasons. One, the emotional layers are of a slightly older child. Two, the context is rather difficult for an a child growing up in middle class India. It is a beautifully written book about the power of friendship, and I am sure A will enjoy it one day. The line on the cover page says it all:  'When your best friend's life changes, can your friendship survive?'

Crossposted here.