THIS IS MY 100th POST.
I thank you, all my friends, for reading what I needed to say, and encouraging me along the way. I have learned a lot along the way, and have got to know some wonderful people.
And what better way to mark it than to speak of some books A and I have loved reading together?
But first, an update: We have already received all five of the picture postcards that we were expecting as part of the 2011 international postcard swap for families hosted by Zoe over at Playingbythebook, a wonderful person who blogs about books for children, and the fun her girls have working with those books.
And now for the rest of our post, on reading aloud to A, and- you guessed it- Harry Potter.
*Spoiler Alert * Do not read the rest of the post if you want to find out for yourself what happens in the seven books!
Recently Prabha, a co-contributor at Saffrontree wrote to me about her daughter K, all of 9, beginning to read the books, and how she was a bit apprehensive about it. Understandably so, as the books have much that could be 'iffy', depending on the POV. They are unslottable to a large extent, as the age spectrum of those enjoying them seems to stretch from kids as young as 6yrs (it makes me wonder how many GET them? Isn't it a disservice to them if we let them read this stuff at such a young age, robbing them of the pleasure of discovering them when they are actually old enough to grasp the full import of what they are reading?) to adults.
Prabha says, "I thought it offered a lot of meat to go over. The sheer number of characters, the plot, the writing and to carry the reader through seven books- kudos to JKR!...Do let me know your thoughts, S, about your experiences...K will continue reading them this year...I didn't mind letting her watch the movies before finishing up the books...the movies have given a lot away, but I am glad she now has a frame of reference and can absorb things better and all those that the movie hasn't covered, and enjoy it for the pure writing aspect alone!"
Some time back, Starry had made this comment on one of my Potter posts: "Nervous about introducing HP to Div...we'll start from Jan, I think we will go slow anyway with books 1 and 2, which are relatively lighter. Like the question A asked, I guess there will be many q's...I love the intricate plot and logic of every single thing in these books." Div, too, is 9.
So here's what I feel.
I have always read aloud to A, ever since she could sit up on my lap. She loved it. So even after she could read on her own, we continued with our habit, except that I would choose books that were meatier, or were a little bit above her age group, either in terms of the language, or the content.
Language was handled easily enough, and there would often be a word, or a phrase/idiom that would baffle her. I explained these to her in terms she understands, and she often used them subsequently, sometimes with pretty hilarious results, but usually correctly.
Sometimes, the language of a book, usually an old classic, would be simple enough, but the narrative would be a bit tedious. At such times it helped that I was reading aloud, so that I could tide her over the boring bits in anticipation of what I knew would come. Sometimes, the old English would be difficult to understand, with quaint words not much used these days. That, too, could be rephrased while explaining it to her.
Content was a bit difficult. We have often embarked on a book, sometimes to abandon it after a chapter or so, as she could not really relate to it. Sometimes it was the genre- I found that currently she does not enjoy anything to do with horror; it gives her nightmares. It was not necessary that there be anything graphic- she didn't enjoy Morpurgo's 'The Giant's necklace'. But she enjoys the cousins of horror- she likes suspense, action and black humour, for example- a case in point are the books by Roald Dahl, a master of black humour.
Sometimes it was just that the content was too much for her age- she could not visualise what was happening, or relate to it. I would then just shelve the book, to return to it at a later date when I thought she might appreciate it better. We had to do that with 'Anne of Green Gables', which we had attempted at 8 yrs- I think the time may be right for it sometime now.
So at the age of 8, when she showed an interest in the Potter books, seeing as she would see me reading them, I wondered if they could be the next ones to be read aloud. We were reading aloud the two Alice books by Lewis Carroll at the time.
She loved them. She had already read Enid Blyton's Naughtiest Girls series, Tom Brown's Schooldays and What Katy did at School, so she had a fair idea of a boarding school system. This was like a natural continuation of that, with magic, just darker.
Books 1, 2, 3 were fine. She was a bit distressed by the targeting of Harry, the ostracizing that he has to suffer from his classmates, the mutterings, etc., in book 2. It did give us an opportunity to discuss how her peers perceive her as 'different' on account of her disinterest in bollywood, fashion, etc.
She would introspect a lot on what we read, and would throw up many interesting questions, which showed her insight into many complex aspects of the books. Some would not have occured to me, too, till then, and I needed to do a bit of thinking and analysing of my own to answer her. She does this with everything we read aloud, and sometimes it is troublesome- for eg., if the questions are asked at 7am, when we have a school bus to catch at 7.25, and I have lunches and breakfasts to prepare, the mind working on the next thing to be done on the schedule!:)
We finished book 3 around the time she was 8.5, and we discussed the options. I told her book 4 was a bit distressing, and that each subsequent book increases in its distress quotient, so we needed to take it a bit slow. She is to tell me if I needed to pause for a while or stop. She was fine till the chapter where Voldemort is resurrected, and then she didn't want me to read near her bedtime. So we finished book 4- and moved on to book 5.
In the meantime, we were also watching the movies as we progressed. I can understand about having a frame of reference while reading the book if the movie has already been watched. Can be helpful in placing the details in context. We have done that for so many books- notably those based on the classics- we saw Alice in Wonderland, Winnie the Pooh, Heidi, The Little Princess, Peter Pan, Pinocchio, and many more on screen before we read the books- and have enjoyed them thoroughly.
But HP, I think is about more than just the story, the incredibly wonderful characterisation, the rich imagination and impeccable English. Not all of it has come across in the movies.
It is also a story with a philosophy, with a lot of logic, the interlinking of plots, the way Rowling never introduces anything which may not be significant at some other stage, the way even her comic relief has a place in the larger picture. That mountains can be moved by faith, hope, love, compassion, courage, sacrifice, loyalty, team work and hard work. That even those considered too far gone can get back on the right track if only they wanted to. That there is always a choice.
Difficult for grown-ups, too, to grasp, to realise, to internalise. I am trying, too, and believe me, it is not easy.
I wanted A to absorb all that- which, I feel she is, and sometimes more, going by the questions she comes up with. I am sure these lessons will have to be reinforced many times over before she can internalise them, but they have been introduced.
She has all that in her mind while watching the movie- as also this interesting concept of alternative ways in which the story can go- since Warner Brothers have made their own changes to the story when adapting it to the screen. Changes I don't really like, being a purist of sorts as far as this series is concerned, since Rowling has got a tight plot, with all ends tied.
Anyway- back to the books. We went through book 5 with a lot of interest, as there are so many details here, and sometimes it feels as though Rowling is rambling, but isn't. As we reached the middle of the book, I prepared A for the unexpected ending. We spoke about how now that Voldemort is back, there are bound to be distressing things happening, sometimes quite unexpectedly- but how that has to be accepted, and even taken as a mark of the author's wonderful storytelling skills, the way she keeps one on the edge, wanting to know- what next? And packing a punch just when least expected. Inspite of this she was distressed on the death of Sirius, more for Harry than anyhing else, as she saw him as orphaned once more.
We finished book 5 sometime in March this year. She was quite upset, so I told her we'll put the rest on hold for a while. But kids are very resilient, and do a lot of growing up in a very short time. It is amazing. After we were back from Mumbai, she told me she wanted to finish the last two books before the last movie is released, as she wanted to watch it on the big screen. It helped, that two of her closest friends- Choxbox' FB and another girl at school had also finished reading all the books and were keen for A to read them so that they could discuss them. I would give full credit to both girls for restraining themselves from putting across any spoilers- just egging her on.
So I told her to expect more deaths, more distressing ones. We have just finished book 6 yesterday, and she seems to be handling it quite well. Book 7 is going to be bit different. It has a lot of philosophy packed into it, so I'll have to see how much of A really 'gets.' I think she is mature enough to handle just the story, and it wouldn't hurt to read it so that she can really enjoy the movie on the big screen.
A needed a bit of hand-holding through many parts of the series, but it might not have been this easy on her if she had had to read it by herself. While reading to her, I always omit reading out some distressing graphic bits- like yesterday when I skipped over the vivid description of the inferi creeping nearer to attack Harry and Dumbledore in the cave- stuff sure to have triggered nightmares. It will keep for when she reads them on her own- she is already through books 1-3 on her own.
Even if she had read the books on her own, I am sure she would have come to me with questions, but I would not have been able to anticipate her distress and prepare her for it. Although I am sure that the whole series has made her look at books and storytelling in a different way, and she has matured considerably in her reading- can go on to stronger stuff- reading to her or even on her own. Am happy about it.
Next on the cards- The Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings books. She can read Percy Jackson, Diane Wynne Jones, Cornelia Funke etc. on her own.
Will be getting back to the topic after we are done with the reading aloud of book 7. Till then!
Showing posts with label age-appropriateness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label age-appropriateness. Show all posts
13 June, 2011
08 April, 2011
CSAAM April 2011 - Books as aids to empowering a child to stay safe from sexual abuse
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| Link to csaawarenessmonth |
A victim of low self-esteem as a result of her abuse, she went through a series of relationships first as a teen and then as an adult, a way for her to feel loved, but could never really open up emotionally.
She was married off at the appropriate age, but she could not connect with her husband. Moreover, she had been told to 'keep quiet' about her past, but these things have a way of coming out. This drove a wedge between them, as the husband could not deal with it. She is holding on to the marriage as there are reasons they cannot split, but the damage was done.
This post is for her. And for millions like her. So that our children can be spared such pain.
As mothers, one of the main topic of conversation with friends is our children. Till now it had been milestones, diapers, pre-school, studies, etc. Of late, the talk has been more about growing pains, peer behaviour and sexuality. A very sticky wicket indeed. There are many worries expressed about the increased awareness of this in the children in their pre-teens, and in some cases, even in younger children. But talk about talking to their kids about it, and I've been subjected to incredulous looks or even stonewalling. One mother caught me alone one day and told me that there is no need to talk to the kids as they anyway get all their information from movies, and if we talked to them, they would think that it would be OK to do anything they want, as the parents themselves are providing them with information!
Until there was a near-incident involving a serviceman who tried to molest a 6 yr old, but was caught before he could do anything. The mother was horrified, and the child was petrified of stepping out of the house without her mother. She came to me, and we had a talk about the books I used to talk to A about it.
Being brought up by parents who never thought of speaking to me of these things, it had been uncharted territory for me, too, earlier. I was sure of one thing, though- my daughter would not go through the uncertainties I went through as an adolescent, or make the mistakes I have made- A would not suffer because of my discomfort or a lack of will or a distaste for matters. Also, as a parent, it was imperative that I keep channels of communication open with my daughter, and educate her in keeping herself safe.
So I extended my natural affinity for books to finding such as I could use to educate A. Even when she was a baby, I would keep my eyes open for relevant books that I may use when needed, and bought them. And they have come in handy. Some, I have found at libraries.
Let me begin by saying that literature for very small children does not lack cautionary tales.
We have a multitude of nursery rhymes which bring up the element of abuse and bullying, introducing these as a possibility. Think of Georgie Porgie kissing the girls and making them cry, or a great big spider coming along to bother Miss Muffet.
We have fairy tales like Little Red Riding Hood who was attacked by the Big Bad Wolf, or the Grimm Brothers' version The Wolf and the Seven Young Kids where the kids are attacked when the mother goat is out shopping, or those like The Snow Queen by Hans Christian Anderson and the parallel character of the White Witch in the Narnia series, - I could go on.
Then we have the book series like Berenstain bears books (Learn about strangers), the gentle, funny Mike Gordon books that make the kids think, like Safety, The Playground Problem, I Feel Bullied, Its Not Fair, I Feel Sad and many more that deal with peer behaviour, intimidation, feelings of sadness and guilt, etc, that are key terms in any kind of abuse, including sexual abuse.
Educating children about their bodies, biological changes at puberty and answering questions about gender and sexuality is empowering to the child as it dispels myths and insecurities brought about by information gathered from peers and the media, which can be really crippling sometimes.
There are many wonderful books that can be used with children, like Babette Cole's Hair in funny places, Mummy never told me and Mummy laid an egg.
Then there are the amazing selection of books by Robie H. Harris which however have the disadvantage of too much information in one book, which might not be all needed at the same time. Parents can however find these books a great help for empowering themselves to talk to their children, as well as use them with children if they feel comfortable about it.
These books, or maybe some other books that may be found with a quick search online, and which may be available at the local book store /or library may be looked up to use in teaching your child to keep safe. Here are some books used specifically by me on the topic at hand. Clicking on the link under the image will also take you to a more comprehensive list of similar books that may be used by parents to address their particular needs, as not all children nor all parents may have the same level of comfort, and may need a different approach.
That said, it is up to each parent to assess their child and choose the best age / method of educating their child, and if using a book doesn't work for them, that is OK, too. As long as steps are taken to protect the child.
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| Pic courtesy tarshi.net |
A Parent's Guide to Sexuality Education.
Written by Tarshi
Published by Zubaan Books
A good book for any parent to read, it guides them through the why, when and how of sex education, dispelling any myths like- "if my child has this information, he/ she will be tempted to experiment." On the contrary. The book enables parents to ensure that their child knows how to recognise inappropriate behaviour, and is able to stand up against it.
So how does one speak to the child at different ages? Discussions appropriate for and understandable by teenagers may not be so for preteens or even younger children. The book discusses issues important at the different ages and the ways to approach them.
Other than the aspect of sex education and awareness against sexual abuse, the book also deals with topics relevant to peer behaviour like playing doctor-doctor, social images, sex talk, infatuations, experimentation, 'cool' behaviour, sexual harrasment, date-rape, substance abuse, intimate partner abuse, gendering, etc.
Empowerment is the way to prevent and deal with abuse. A comprehensive book.
Tarshi, the creators of this book, also have other books like 'The Orange book' which is a resourse book for teachers and schools, 'The Red book', which is aimed towards children 10-14 yrs of age, and 'The Blue book', which is for children older than 15 yrs. The last two are also available in many regional languages of India like Hindi, Gujarati, Bangla, Kannada, Marathi, Oriya, Tamil and Telugu.
Having educated myself, I went about looking for books to share with my child. Found some great ones.
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| Pic courtesy barnesandnoble.com Also available at flipkart |
Written by Sandy Kleven
Illustrated by Jody Bergsma
Ages : 4+ read-aloud
Bedtimes are quiet times, a time for Jimmy and his mother to talk about anything that they may want to talk about. They talk about hugs, and tickling, and surprises, and how all these would be a problem if he did not want them.
They talk about a girl, someone real, who he does not know, who was called by someone into their house to look at some kittens, and this someone told her that they would show her the kittens if she sat on their lap, and feeling uneasy about that, she ran away to her home, and told her parents all about it, and how the someone who had called her got into trouble over it.
They talk about when it is OK for someone to touch him, and when it is not. How parts covered by a swimming suit are out of bounds. How it is OK for him to say "NO!" Even if it is to someone older. Even if it is to someone he loves. Even if that could upset that person.
"If something like this happens to you, don't be afraid to tell me, even if it is supposed to be a secret. And remember, touching problems are never a child's fault."
The book has notes for the parent / caregiver that are very succint and helpful. A great resource book, suitable for children as young as 4 yrs old, with gentle text in the form of a heart-to-heart talk between a mother and her child, and lovely full page illustrations that will keep a child's attention riveted. There is nothing explicit in the book, and nothing that a 4+ yr old may not be ready for.
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| Pic courtesy barnesandnoble.com Also available at flipkart |
Written by Linda Walvoord Girard
Illustrated by Rodney Pate
Published by Albert Whitman & Co
Ages 8+
Much along the lines of the previous book, this is the story of Julie, told by her in the first person. She is at an age when she already knows that things belonging to someone are can be private, out of bounds to others. Like someone's personal letter, or her mother's handbag.
So it is a simple thing for her mother to broach the idea that the parts of her body covered by a swimsuit (I think this is a wonderful method of identifying their private body parts for even very young children) are private too, and that "nobody should touch me in those places unless there is a very good reason." She specifies that this holds true for boys as well as girls.
"It might be a stranger, or it may be someone you know, like a babysitter, a teacher, or a friend," Mom said, "or even someone in our family. It probably won't ever happen. You don't need to worry about it; you just need to know what to do-- the way you know what to do if a fire starts."
"I'd get mad," I told Mom. "I'd shout NO and run away."
"Good!" she said. "And you must come and tell me what happened...
...no matter who it is- I don't care if it's Santa Claus- you tell me...or some grown-up you trust...
...Never be afraid to tell. No matter what happened, it's not your fault."
Evocative sketches in black-and-white-and-sepia bring alive the easy conversations in the text to us, giving us a peek into Julie's family. With Julie, A also experienced a sense of empowerment in the affirmation that she had a right to say NO! Even if it is to someone she loves and trusts; someone who could misuse that trust!
A note for parents at the end of the book says "You need to feel comfortable talking about...or your child will pick up your discomfort and may be reluctant to talk."
Some of these books may have a younger age specified on them than the parent may be comfortable with for their particular child. Again, I would say, you are the best judge.
I used 'The Right Touch' first to broach the topic to A when she was about 7, as I didn't want to scare her. I sat and read the book to her, at a quiet one-to-one time. She had many questions, which, thanks to 'The Yellow Book,' I had satisfactory answers to. The third book, 'My body is private,' was a more recent addition, and one that she could read and comprehend by herself now, although we did read it through together. And yes, there were many questions now too, with better insight, thanks to her age and peer group.
I had never kept any caretakers for her, or ever had any babysitters, so I was with her at all times till she was almost 3. After that, I did keep telling her about how parts of her body are private, stranger danger, and how she needed to keep me informed all the time as to her whereabouts. More about that with our last book.
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| Pic courtesy amazon.com |
Be sensible - and safe
Written by Helen Hollick
Illustrated by Lynda Knott
Ages 4+ read aloud
A read-aloud story to help prevent child sexual abuse.
All parents can identify with this book, whether abuse is a possibility or not.
When Jenny plays with her friends in the park near her house, her mother can usually keep an eye on her from their window.
One day, Jenny was not to be seen anywhere, and her mother became frantic looking for her. Jenny had actually just gone to her friend Darren's house with him for an ice-cream, and got scolded by her mother on returning.
'Jenny was upset and began to cry. Why was Mum so angry?
Back indoors, Mrs McCann gave Jenny a big hug.
"I'm not really angry," she said, "but sometimes worrying makes you say and feel things you don't mean."
"I was only at Darren's house," sniffed Jenny.
"But I didn't know that, did I?" Mum answered.'
Then Jenny and her mother had a long chat about strangers, and how they can sometimes, not always, be bad, and how it is not easy to tell the good from the bad. How sometimes we need to take help from strangers. But, how it is important that she must not go anywhere with anyone, or get into someone's car or house without first asking her parents, or her teacher, or a trusted adult who is looking after her.
Also that a person who does not mean her any harm will usually not object to her informing her parents, or will not ask her to keep anything that they say or do a secret.
"The best and the most important thing to do," Mum added "is to always come and tell me where you want to go,...as long as you tell one of us, we will know where you are and that you are safe."
The book gives relevant points for discussion with a child, and cautions, that when children do come and tell, "It is your part of the bargain, as an adult, to listen when they do come and tell."
I usually do that, sit down with a book when A is playing, so that I can keep an eye on her, and so that she can inform me if she wants to go elsewhere. And yes, going off to anyone's house is not allowed, except when they are people I know and trust.
Here are some more books, printed material and other resources for parents to use to keep their child safe from the big bad wolf. There are also books like this one recently reviewed at Saffrontree, which is an award-winning YA book dealing with abuse at home , or this book by Anita Naik for teens - 'Little Book Self-Esteem', a wonderful book that I intend introducing to A a few years later. (Click on the link for similar books dealing with self-esteem and bullying, major monsters for children to overcome.)
Crossposted at CSAAM and at Saffrontree.
25 February, 2011
.....or not to...is the question!
What made me write this post? Well, for one, this post and this one, both by Sangi, this post by Monika, and a talk we attended at A's school.
The school has come across some children of middle school using social networking sites, for which they are clearly underage. There has also been some instances of inappropriate behaviour that has been noticed among students, which has been traced to unsupervised viewership of television programmes with age-inappropriate content, bad language, etc., as also unsupervised access to the internet, especially if both parents are working. According to the school, it is the responsibility of the parents to be aware of what their child is being exposed to, and take steps to correct any oversights. As for children of working parents, it was suggested that they install a password operated net connection, and speak to the children about what can or cannot be watched, reinforcing the message by repetition. For this was the time when the children are just beginning to take the first steps out of childhood, and are still influentiable. For the better or worse.
There was an interesting point raised. There are children, and then there are children. Of different kinds. For every child that is influenced by all this, and loses focus of what is right, there may be some who are not, who manage to take it in their stride, and come through unscathed. It was upto every parent to be aware of how their child is, educate the child accordingly and be available for the child at all times if need be. The school on its part would discourage anything age-inappropriate, and have a no-tolerance policy for anything inappropriate for school. This was something that was to be handled on a two-way-street.
So what does this have to do with the three posts I mentioned at the beginning? Quite a bit.
I come from Bram roots. My grandparents would not even partake of anything that contained onions or garlic, these been considered as tamasic foods. My parents, though, encouraged us to eat eggs, although my mother could never touch the stuff herself. We had a separate vessel and pan which was washed after use and put away separately. No eggs were allowed when my paternal grandparents were staying with us. My maternal grandmother lived with us for many years, and although she never tasted them, would cook the eggs for us.
We had quite a few friends who ate non-veg food, but never once do I remember wanting to try it. We were happy enough with our ghaas-phoos, as one friend once put it, except for the very occasional eggs.
When I got married, I did not expect to be eating any either, as the husband is from the same community, an arranged marriage. He had, however, tried it during his student days, and found that he liked it, though not extraordinarily so. I tried chicken tentatively in those early days, liked it enough to have some while eating out once in a while. We never tried cooking it at home though. Even on our travels overseas, I did not really become a regular eater.
Then A came along, and somewhere at 3-4 years of age, she realised she liked the non-veg that we occasionally tried while eating out. It was purely so that the finicky mother in me would be sure of the hygiene and of what has gone in it that I agreed to cook the stuff at home. Even then, cooking non-veg is more the husband's territory than mine, I help with getting the masalas ready and then sit twiddling my thumbs (or reading some book with A). I also do not like red meat or fish dishes overmuch. And I will be more than willing to give it all up if need be. At times when we haven't had any non-veg for a longish period of time, I've never felt the urge to eat some. I'll be fine without it in my life. Maybe a point will come when I no longer want to eat it. Already on days when I prepare eggs for breakfast I have only plain toast with cheese or jam, and avoid the eggs.
A loves the stuff, of couse, especially the way Dad makes it, and is a confirmed non-vegetarian. The only reason for which I see her leaving it is if at some point in her life the softie animal lover in her decides to surface. I'm fine with whatever she decides. The choice has to be hers.
As for alcohol, I grew up in a teetotaler household. No smoking either. I am sure my parents never thought that they needed to say anything to us about it. We never thought it was a done thing, and that was that. I really do not know about my brothers, who were students when I got married, but I was never tempted by the lure of either alcohol or nicotine or any other substance in my growing up years, and I thank God for that. Of course that does not mean that I was an exemplary teenager, with no rebellion in me. There were other things that my parents came down heavily upon, without, I regret, any real communication or education about them, and I contrarily chose to focus my rebellious energies on those. So I have made my mistakes in life like anyone else.
I have worked extensively with the AA in my post-grad days, and I have seen the devastation that the addiction can cause. The rehabilitation has to be done one day at a time- something that the ex-addict has to follow all his life. Along with the counselling for psychological factors, the person has to make a commitment to avoid alcohol on an everyday basis. There is no place here for the "I can handle it" (mis)confidence. I have seen long-term rehabilitated addicts relapsing after something as innocuous as a course of cough medicine with an alcohol content, and it is tough.
At the same time, not everyone who tastes alcohol in their life gets addicted to it. I have tried alcohol with my husband, on rare occasions, as I never really aquired a taste for it. I have got really drunk once or twice, but that was just to try it out, with different brands of alcohol, and as Sangi puts it "being drunk SUCKS!" Even then I probably had a drink once in 2-3 months, that too with guests or on a holiday. And ever since daughter has started showing curiosity in the contents of mom's /dad's glass, I've stopped drinking, not even an occasional one. I don't think I miss it at all, and feel no urge to indulge myself for any reason whatsoever.
The husband has a drink or two on weekends, and is extremely responsible about his drinking, AND of the drinking of those who drink under our roof, and have to drive back to their homes. Of late, even this has decreased. Reason- A read about a character in Black Beauty (by Anne Sewell) who drank and rode a horse to its ruin and his death. (I always fall back on books if I want to say something. Maybe books are my addiction!) She had many questions about alcohol and its effects at the time, and since then, she gets upset if her father has a drink. He has had a talk with her about it, and I'm sure it will be all for the best.
The point I'm trying to make here, is that some things, though present elsewhere in the world, were absent in my environment, either in reality, or hypothetically as subjects of discussion. We just ignored those, and never considered trying them as an option. And when I did try them, I did not get over-much attached to them. Whereas I was wrongly influenced by those things that were strongly spoken against, especially under peer-pressure, without any education from my parents as to the consequences of a mis-step, and have suffered for it.
Moral of the story- Although my first reaction to anthing that A wants to do that is wrong in my eyes is an authoritarian one, I try to simmer down and talk to her about it, rather than talk at her. I agree with the school that we need to be available to the children when they are in a communicative mood, else they will take their communication to someone else, someone completely unsuitable. Also that each child may react differently to the same set of conditions, and take away something quite different from it.
On my part, I hope to keep communication channels open with A, as it is very likely that she might find things she finds yuck not so yuck (again quoting Sangi!) in her terrible teens, and I would like to be with her on every step of the way, with reasonable (I hope! Sometimes the streaks of an authoritarian parent tends to get the better of me, and I have to tell myself to simmer down and GET REASONABLE!) restrictions, handholding, educating and counselling. And I hope that she always trusts us, and finds it worth the while coming to me with anything that bothers her.
So help me God!
The school has come across some children of middle school using social networking sites, for which they are clearly underage. There has also been some instances of inappropriate behaviour that has been noticed among students, which has been traced to unsupervised viewership of television programmes with age-inappropriate content, bad language, etc., as also unsupervised access to the internet, especially if both parents are working. According to the school, it is the responsibility of the parents to be aware of what their child is being exposed to, and take steps to correct any oversights. As for children of working parents, it was suggested that they install a password operated net connection, and speak to the children about what can or cannot be watched, reinforcing the message by repetition. For this was the time when the children are just beginning to take the first steps out of childhood, and are still influentiable. For the better or worse.
There was an interesting point raised. There are children, and then there are children. Of different kinds. For every child that is influenced by all this, and loses focus of what is right, there may be some who are not, who manage to take it in their stride, and come through unscathed. It was upto every parent to be aware of how their child is, educate the child accordingly and be available for the child at all times if need be. The school on its part would discourage anything age-inappropriate, and have a no-tolerance policy for anything inappropriate for school. This was something that was to be handled on a two-way-street.
So what does this have to do with the three posts I mentioned at the beginning? Quite a bit.
I come from Bram roots. My grandparents would not even partake of anything that contained onions or garlic, these been considered as tamasic foods. My parents, though, encouraged us to eat eggs, although my mother could never touch the stuff herself. We had a separate vessel and pan which was washed after use and put away separately. No eggs were allowed when my paternal grandparents were staying with us. My maternal grandmother lived with us for many years, and although she never tasted them, would cook the eggs for us.
We had quite a few friends who ate non-veg food, but never once do I remember wanting to try it. We were happy enough with our ghaas-phoos, as one friend once put it, except for the very occasional eggs.
When I got married, I did not expect to be eating any either, as the husband is from the same community, an arranged marriage. He had, however, tried it during his student days, and found that he liked it, though not extraordinarily so. I tried chicken tentatively in those early days, liked it enough to have some while eating out once in a while. We never tried cooking it at home though. Even on our travels overseas, I did not really become a regular eater.
Then A came along, and somewhere at 3-4 years of age, she realised she liked the non-veg that we occasionally tried while eating out. It was purely so that the finicky mother in me would be sure of the hygiene and of what has gone in it that I agreed to cook the stuff at home. Even then, cooking non-veg is more the husband's territory than mine, I help with getting the masalas ready and then sit twiddling my thumbs (or reading some book with A). I also do not like red meat or fish dishes overmuch. And I will be more than willing to give it all up if need be. At times when we haven't had any non-veg for a longish period of time, I've never felt the urge to eat some. I'll be fine without it in my life. Maybe a point will come when I no longer want to eat it. Already on days when I prepare eggs for breakfast I have only plain toast with cheese or jam, and avoid the eggs.
A loves the stuff, of couse, especially the way Dad makes it, and is a confirmed non-vegetarian. The only reason for which I see her leaving it is if at some point in her life the softie animal lover in her decides to surface. I'm fine with whatever she decides. The choice has to be hers.
As for alcohol, I grew up in a teetotaler household. No smoking either. I am sure my parents never thought that they needed to say anything to us about it. We never thought it was a done thing, and that was that. I really do not know about my brothers, who were students when I got married, but I was never tempted by the lure of either alcohol or nicotine or any other substance in my growing up years, and I thank God for that. Of course that does not mean that I was an exemplary teenager, with no rebellion in me. There were other things that my parents came down heavily upon, without, I regret, any real communication or education about them, and I contrarily chose to focus my rebellious energies on those. So I have made my mistakes in life like anyone else.
I have worked extensively with the AA in my post-grad days, and I have seen the devastation that the addiction can cause. The rehabilitation has to be done one day at a time- something that the ex-addict has to follow all his life. Along with the counselling for psychological factors, the person has to make a commitment to avoid alcohol on an everyday basis. There is no place here for the "I can handle it" (mis)confidence. I have seen long-term rehabilitated addicts relapsing after something as innocuous as a course of cough medicine with an alcohol content, and it is tough.
At the same time, not everyone who tastes alcohol in their life gets addicted to it. I have tried alcohol with my husband, on rare occasions, as I never really aquired a taste for it. I have got really drunk once or twice, but that was just to try it out, with different brands of alcohol, and as Sangi puts it "being drunk SUCKS!" Even then I probably had a drink once in 2-3 months, that too with guests or on a holiday. And ever since daughter has started showing curiosity in the contents of mom's /dad's glass, I've stopped drinking, not even an occasional one. I don't think I miss it at all, and feel no urge to indulge myself for any reason whatsoever.
The husband has a drink or two on weekends, and is extremely responsible about his drinking, AND of the drinking of those who drink under our roof, and have to drive back to their homes. Of late, even this has decreased. Reason- A read about a character in Black Beauty (by Anne Sewell) who drank and rode a horse to its ruin and his death. (I always fall back on books if I want to say something. Maybe books are my addiction!) She had many questions about alcohol and its effects at the time, and since then, she gets upset if her father has a drink. He has had a talk with her about it, and I'm sure it will be all for the best.
The point I'm trying to make here, is that some things, though present elsewhere in the world, were absent in my environment, either in reality, or hypothetically as subjects of discussion. We just ignored those, and never considered trying them as an option. And when I did try them, I did not get over-much attached to them. Whereas I was wrongly influenced by those things that were strongly spoken against, especially under peer-pressure, without any education from my parents as to the consequences of a mis-step, and have suffered for it.
Moral of the story- Although my first reaction to anthing that A wants to do that is wrong in my eyes is an authoritarian one, I try to simmer down and talk to her about it, rather than talk at her. I agree with the school that we need to be available to the children when they are in a communicative mood, else they will take their communication to someone else, someone completely unsuitable. Also that each child may react differently to the same set of conditions, and take away something quite different from it.
On my part, I hope to keep communication channels open with A, as it is very likely that she might find things she finds yuck not so yuck (again quoting Sangi!) in her terrible teens, and I would like to be with her on every step of the way, with reasonable (I hope! Sometimes the streaks of an authoritarian parent tends to get the better of me, and I have to tell myself to simmer down and GET REASONABLE!) restrictions, handholding, educating and counselling. And I hope that she always trusts us, and finds it worth the while coming to me with anything that bothers her.
So help me God!
01 February, 2011
No Kidding!
Two things.
First : I posted a review of a book, which in my opinion was suitable for the 12+ age group. I meticulously follow this format whenever the book reviewed is for young adults or younger.
Here, there was a difference of opinion with one reader. Bear with me while I quote the comment, my answer, and the reader's comment again.
Comment : Although I read this myself many many years ago it is one I still remember and highly recommend. I do not like the age or YA tag on books though, it should be a matter of personal choice!
Me : Agree that books are a matter of personal choice. I like to include the age factor, though, in the review of a book that may be read by those under 18. Makes it simpler for parents. And since I do a lot of reviewing under that category, the tag invariably appears.:)
Comment : I understand what you are saying about the YA and age tag from a parents point of view, but I still do not like the idea of children being told that they can not read a book because they are too young! Every reader matures differently and I think the whole concept of the YA genre can be off putting to certain groups of people.
I am not sure how to reply to this. Agree that 'every reader matures differently'. My job as a reviewer, however asks for a guideline to the average age at which a reader is reasonably able to enjoy and appreciate the contents of a book. The reader, then, has to decide. An adult reader can pretty much decide for him/herself, but in my opinion, if a kid is not old enough to vote, or to drive independently, he/ she does not have the maturity to decide on all aspects of a book's content. Which is why we have age tags on the books themselves in the first place.
In the debate between the commentor and myself, I am going to gracefully bow out after replying that the age tag is just a general guide on age-appropriateness and it is my personal opinion as the reviewer, as to be fair, the book in question does not have any age specifications on my copy.
Second : This news item appeared in the TOI headlines today.
12 years is the age for pursuing an education and develop a sense of self. A hard enough pursuit without the emotional turmoil of an ill-timed sexual escapade. Time enough for all that- and the responsibilities it brings- once you are older.
What do you think- of both the points?
First : I posted a review of a book, which in my opinion was suitable for the 12+ age group. I meticulously follow this format whenever the book reviewed is for young adults or younger.
Here, there was a difference of opinion with one reader. Bear with me while I quote the comment, my answer, and the reader's comment again.
Comment : Although I read this myself many many years ago it is one I still remember and highly recommend. I do not like the age or YA tag on books though, it should be a matter of personal choice!
Me : Agree that books are a matter of personal choice. I like to include the age factor, though, in the review of a book that may be read by those under 18. Makes it simpler for parents. And since I do a lot of reviewing under that category, the tag invariably appears.:)
Comment : I understand what you are saying about the YA and age tag from a parents point of view, but I still do not like the idea of children being told that they can not read a book because they are too young! Every reader matures differently and I think the whole concept of the YA genre can be off putting to certain groups of people.
I am not sure how to reply to this. Agree that 'every reader matures differently'. My job as a reviewer, however asks for a guideline to the average age at which a reader is reasonably able to enjoy and appreciate the contents of a book. The reader, then, has to decide. An adult reader can pretty much decide for him/herself, but in my opinion, if a kid is not old enough to vote, or to drive independently, he/ she does not have the maturity to decide on all aspects of a book's content. Which is why we have age tags on the books themselves in the first place.
In the debate between the commentor and myself, I am going to gracefully bow out after replying that the age tag is just a general guide on age-appropriateness and it is my personal opinion as the reviewer, as to be fair, the book in question does not have any age specifications on my copy.
Second : This news item appeared in the TOI headlines today.
Twelve-year-old children will be legally permitted to have non-penetrative sex with children their age, according to a draft Protection of Children From Sexual Offences Bill, 2010, that has been sent to states by the ministry of women and child development for their views.12 year olds are NOT, in my opinion, mature enough to indulge in any kind of sex, even if their hormones have already begun to rage. They have a hard enough time dealing with the changes happening in their own bodies and minds, and most of all, are not physically, emotionally or intellectually mature enough to handle any kind of consequences- immediate or long term- of any kind of sexual explorations. Their perspective in terribly short sighted, and they may end up being scarred for life.
12 years is the age for pursuing an education and develop a sense of self. A hard enough pursuit without the emotional turmoil of an ill-timed sexual escapade. Time enough for all that- and the responsibilities it brings- once you are older.
What do you think- of both the points?
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