.....or not to...is the question!

What made me write this post? Well, for one, this post and this one, both by Sangi, this post by Monika, and a talk we attended at A's school.

The school has come across some children of middle school using social networking sites, for which they are clearly underage. There has also been some instances of inappropriate behaviour that has been noticed among students, which has been traced to unsupervised viewership of television programmes with age-inappropriate content, bad language, etc., as also unsupervised access to the internet, especially if both parents are working. According to the school, it is the responsibility of the parents to be aware of what their child is being exposed to, and take steps to correct any oversights. As for children of working parents, it was suggested that they install a password operated net connection, and speak to the children about what can or cannot be watched, reinforcing the message by repetition. For this was the time when the children are just beginning to take the first steps out of childhood, and are still influentiable. For the better or worse.

There was an interesting point raised. There are children, and then there are children. Of different kinds. For every child that is influenced by all this, and loses focus of what is right, there may be some who are not, who manage to take it in their stride, and come through unscathed. It was upto every parent to be aware of how their child is, educate the child accordingly and be available for the child at all times if need be. The school on its part would discourage anything age-inappropriate, and have a no-tolerance policy for anything inappropriate for school. This was something that was to be handled on a two-way-street.

So what does this have to do with the three posts I mentioned at the beginning? Quite a bit.

I come from Bram roots. My grandparents would not even partake of anything that contained onions or garlic, these been considered as tamasic foods. My parents, though, encouraged us to eat eggs, although my mother could never touch the stuff herself. We had a separate vessel and pan which was washed after use and put away separately. No eggs were allowed when my paternal grandparents were staying with us. My maternal grandmother lived with us for many years, and although she never tasted them, would cook the eggs for us.

We had quite a few friends who ate non-veg food, but never once do I remember wanting to try it. We were happy enough with our ghaas-phoos, as one friend once put it, except for the very occasional eggs.

When I got married, I did not expect to be eating any either, as the husband is from the same community, an arranged marriage. He had, however, tried it during his student days, and found that he liked it, though not extraordinarily so. I tried chicken tentatively in those early days, liked it enough to have some while eating out once in a while. We never tried cooking it at home though. Even on our travels overseas, I did not really become a regular eater.

Then A came along, and somewhere at 3-4 years of age, she realised she liked the non-veg that we occasionally tried while eating out. It was purely so that the finicky mother in me would be sure of the hygiene and of what has gone in it that I agreed to cook the stuff at home. Even then, cooking non-veg is more the husband's territory than mine, I help with getting the masalas ready and then sit twiddling my thumbs (or reading some book with A). I also do not like red meat or fish dishes overmuch. And I will be more than willing to give it all up if need be. At times when we haven't had any non-veg for a longish period of time, I've never felt the urge to eat some. I'll be fine without it in my life. Maybe a point will come when I no longer want to eat it. Already on days when I prepare eggs for breakfast I have only plain toast with cheese or jam, and avoid the eggs.

A loves the stuff, of couse, especially the way Dad makes it, and is a confirmed non-vegetarian. The only reason for which I see her leaving it is if at some point in her life the softie animal lover in her decides to surface. I'm fine with whatever she decides. The choice has to be hers.

As for alcohol, I grew up in a teetotaler household. No smoking either. I am sure my parents never thought that they needed to say anything to us about it. We never thought it was a done thing, and that was that. I really do not know about my brothers, who were students when I got married, but I was never tempted by the lure of either alcohol or nicotine or any other substance in my growing up years, and I thank God for that. Of course that does not mean that I was an exemplary teenager, with no rebellion in me. There were other things that my parents came down heavily upon, without, I regret, any real communication or education about them, and I contrarily chose to focus my rebellious energies on those. So I have made my mistakes in life like anyone else.

I have worked extensively with the AA in my post-grad days, and I have seen the devastation that the addiction can cause. The rehabilitation has to be done one day at a time- something that the ex-addict has to follow all his life. Along with the counselling for psychological factors, the person has to make a commitment to avoid alcohol on an everyday basis. There is no place here for the "I can handle it" (mis)confidence. I have seen long-term rehabilitated addicts relapsing after something as innocuous as a course of cough medicine with an alcohol content, and it is tough.

At the same time, not everyone who tastes alcohol in their life gets addicted to it. I have tried alcohol with my husband, on rare occasions, as I never really aquired a taste for it. I have got really drunk once or twice, but that was just to try it out, with different brands of alcohol, and as Sangi puts it  "being drunk SUCKS!" Even then I probably had a drink once in 2-3 months, that too with guests or on a holiday. And ever since daughter has started showing curiosity in the contents of mom's /dad's glass, I've stopped drinking, not even an occasional one. I don't think I miss it at all, and feel no urge to indulge myself for any reason whatsoever.

The husband has a drink or two on weekends, and is extremely responsible about his drinking, AND of the drinking of those who drink under our roof, and have to drive back to their homes. Of late, even this has decreased. Reason- A read about a character in Black Beauty (by Anne Sewell) who drank and rode a horse to its ruin and his death. (I always fall back on books if I want to say something. Maybe books are my addiction!) She had many questions about alcohol and its effects at the time, and since then, she gets upset if her father has a drink. He has had a talk with her about it, and I'm sure it will be all for the best.

The point I'm trying to make here, is that some things, though present elsewhere in the world, were absent in my environment, either in reality, or hypothetically as subjects of discussion. We just ignored those, and never considered trying them as an option. And when I did try them, I did not get over-much attached to them. Whereas I was wrongly influenced by those things that were strongly spoken against, especially under peer-pressure, without any education from my parents as to the consequences of a mis-step, and have suffered for it.

Moral of the story- Although my first reaction to anthing that A wants to do that is wrong in my eyes is an authoritarian one, I try to simmer down and talk to her about it, rather than talk at her. I agree with the school that we need to be available to the children when they are in a communicative mood, else they will take their communication to someone else, someone completely unsuitable. Also that each child may react differently to the same set of conditions, and take away something quite different from it.  

On my part, I hope to keep communication channels open with A, as it is very likely that she might find things she finds yuck not so yuck (again quoting Sangi!) in her terrible teens, and I would like to be with her on every step of the way, with reasonable (I hope! Sometimes the streaks of an authoritarian parent tends to get the better of me, and I have to tell myself to simmer down and GET REASONABLE!)  restrictions, handholding, educating and counselling. And I hope that she always trusts us, and finds it worth the while coming to me with anything that bothers her.

So help me God!