Someone very close to me had been sexually abused as a 7-8 yr old child. She was not taken seriously by the adults, and the whole thing was pushed under the carpet. The way her parents dealt with it was by putting many restrictions on
her, which she perceived as unfair, and the perpetrator was not apprehended. All her life she felt unloved and rejected, and it affected her in a very strange way, which I see now that is not very strange at all.
A victim of low self-esteem as a result of her abuse, she went through a series of relationships first as a teen and then as an adult, a way for her to feel loved, but could never really open up emotionally.
She was married off at the appropriate age, but she could not connect with her husband. Moreover, she had been told to 'keep quiet' about her past, but these things have a way of coming out. This drove a wedge between them, as the husband could not deal with it. She is holding on to the marriage as there are reasons they cannot split, but the damage was done.
This post is for her. And for millions like her. So that our children can be spared such pain.
As mothers, one of the main topic of conversation with friends is our children. Till now it had been milestones, diapers, pre-school, studies, etc. Of late, the talk has been more about growing pains, peer behaviour and sexuality. A very sticky wicket indeed. There are many worries expressed about the increased awareness of this in the children in their pre-teens, and in some cases, even in younger children. But talk about talking to their kids about it, and I've been subjected to incredulous looks or even stonewalling. One mother caught me alone one day and told me that there is no need to talk to the kids as they anyway get all their information from movies, and if we talked to them, they would think that it would be OK to do anything they want, as the parents themselves are providing them with information!
Until there was a near-incident involving a serviceman who tried to molest a 6 yr old, but was caught before he could do anything. The mother was horrified, and the child was petrified of stepping out of the house without her mother. She came to me, and we had a talk about the books I used to talk to A about it.
Being brought up by parents who never thought of speaking to me of these things, it had been uncharted territory for me, too, earlier. I was sure of one thing, though- my daughter would not go through the uncertainties I went through as an adolescent, or make the mistakes I have made- A would not suffer because of my discomfort or a lack of will or a distaste for matters. Also, as a parent, it was imperative that I keep channels of communication open with my daughter, and educate her in keeping herself safe.
So I extended my natural affinity for books to finding such as I could use to educate A. Even when she was a baby, I would keep my eyes open for relevant books that I may use when needed, and bought them. And they have come in handy. Some, I have found at libraries.
Let me begin by saying that literature for very small children does not lack cautionary tales.
We have a multitude of nursery rhymes which bring up the element of abuse and bullying, introducing these as a possibility. Think of Georgie Porgie kissing the girls and making them cry, or a great big spider coming along to bother Miss Muffet.
We have fairy tales like
Little Red Riding Hood who was attacked by the Big Bad Wolf, or the Grimm Brothers' version
The Wolf and the Seven Young Kids where the kids are attacked when the mother goat is out shopping, or those like
The Snow Queen by Hans Christian Anderson and the parallel character of
the White Witch in the Narnia series, - I could go on.
Then we have the book series like
Berenstain bears books (Learn about strangers), the gentle, funny Mike Gordon books that make the kids think, like
Safety,
The Playground Problem,
I Feel Bullied,
Its Not Fair,
I Feel Sad and many more that deal with peer behaviour, intimidation, feelings of sadness and guilt, etc, that are key terms in any kind of abuse, including sexual abuse.
Educating children about their bodies, biological changes at puberty and answering questions about gender and sexuality is empowering to the child as it dispels myths and insecurities brought about by information gathered from peers and the media, which can be really crippling sometimes.
There are many wonderful books that can be used with children, like Babette Cole's
Hair in funny places,
Mummy never told me and
Mummy laid an egg.
Then there are the
amazing selection of books by Robie H. Harris which however have the disadvantage of too much information in one book, which might not be all needed at the same time. Parents can however find these books a great help for empowering themselves to talk to their children, as well as use them with children if they feel comfortable about it.
These books, or maybe some other books that may be found with a quick search online, and which may be available at the local book store /or library may be looked up to use in teaching your child to keep safe. Here are some books used specifically by me on the topic at hand. Clicking on the link under the image will also take you to a more comprehensive list of similar books that may be used by parents to address their particular needs, as not all children nor all parents may have the same level of comfort, and may need a different approach.
That said, it is up to each parent to assess their child and choose the best age / method of educating their child, and if using a book doesn't work for them, that is OK, too. As long as steps are taken to protect the child.
THE YELLOW BOOK
A Parent's Guide to Sexuality Education.
Written by Tarshi
Published by Zubaan Books
A good book for any parent to read, it guides them through the why, when and how of sex education, dispelling any myths like-
"if my child has this information, he/ she will be tempted to experiment." On the contrary. The book enables parents to ensure that their child knows how to recognise inappropriate behaviour, and is able to stand up against it.
So how does one speak to the child at different ages? Discussions appropriate for and understandable by teenagers may not be so for preteens or even younger children. The book discusses issues important at the different ages and the ways to approach them.
Other than the aspect of sex education and awareness against sexual abuse, the book also deals with topics relevant to
peer behaviour like playing doctor-doctor, social images, sex talk, infatuations, experimentation, 'cool' behaviour, sexual harrasment, date-rape, substance abuse, intimate partner abuse, gendering, etc.
Empowerment is the way to prevent and deal with abuse. A comprehensive book.
Tarshi, the creators of this book, also have other books like
'The Orange book' which is a resourse book for teachers and schools,
'The Red book', which is aimed towards children 10-14 yrs of age, and
'The Blue book', which is for children older than 15 yrs. The last two are
also available in many regional languages of India like Hindi, Gujarati, Bangla, Kannada, Marathi, Oriya, Tamil and Telugu.
Having educated myself, I went about looking for books to share with my child. Found some great ones.
THE RIGHT TOUCH
Written by Sandy Kleven
Illustrated by Jody Bergsma
Ages : 4+ read-aloud
Bedtimes are quiet times, a time for Jimmy and his mother to talk about anything that they may want to talk about. They talk about hugs, and tickling, and surprises, and how all these would be a problem if he did not want them.
They talk about a girl, someone real, who he does not know, who was called by someone into their house to look at some kittens, and this someone told her that they would show her the kittens if she sat on their lap, and feeling uneasy about that, she ran away to her home, and told her parents all about it, and how the someone who had called her got into trouble over it.
They talk about when it is OK for someone to touch him, and when it is not. How parts covered by a swimming suit are out of bounds. How
it is OK for him to say "NO!" Even if it is to someone older. Even if it is to someone he loves. Even if that could upset that person.
"
If something like this happens to you, don't be afraid to tell me, even if it is supposed to be a secret. And remember, touching problems are never a child's fault."
The book has notes for the parent / caregiver that are very succint and helpful. A great resource book, suitable for children as young as 4 yrs old, with gentle text in the form of a heart-to-heart talk between a mother and her child, and lovely full page illustrations that will keep a child's attention riveted. There is nothing explicit in the book, and nothing that a 4+ yr old may not be ready for.
MY BODY IS PRIVATE
Written by Linda Walvoord Girard
Illustrated by Rodney Pate
Published by Albert Whitman & Co
Ages 8+
Much along the lines of the previous book, this is the story of Julie, told by her in the first person. She is at an age when she already knows that things belonging to someone are can be private, out of bounds to others. Like someone's personal letter, or her mother's handbag.
So it is a simple thing for her mother to broach the idea that the parts of her body covered by a swimsuit
(I think this is a wonderful method of identifying their private body parts for even very young children) are private too, and that
"nobody should touch me in those places unless there is a very good reason." She specifies that this holds true for boys as well as girls.
"It might be a stranger, or it may be someone you know, like a babysitter, a teacher, or a friend," Mom said, "or even someone in our family. It probably won't ever happen. You don't need to worry about it; you just need to know what to do-- the way you know what to do if a fire starts."
"I'd get mad," I told Mom. "I'd shout NO and run away."
"Good!" she said. "And you must come and tell me what happened...
...no matter who it is- I don't care if it's Santa Claus- you tell me...or some grown-up you trust...
...Never be afraid to tell. No matter what happened, it's not your fault."
Evocative sketches in black-and-white-and-sepia bring alive the easy conversations in the text to us, giving us a peek into Julie's family. With Julie, A also experienced a sense of empowerment in the affirmation that she had a right to say NO! Even if it is to someone she loves and trusts; someone who could misuse that trust!
A note for parents at the end of the book says
"You need to feel comfortable talking about...or your child will pick up your discomfort and may be reluctant to talk."
Some of these books may have a younger age specified on them than the parent may be comfortable with for their particular child. Again, I would say, you are the best judge.
I used
'The Right Touch' first to broach the topic to A when she was about 7, as I didn't want to scare her. I sat and read the book to her, at a quiet one-to-one time. She had many questions, which, thanks to
'The Yellow Book,' I had satisfactory answers to. The third book,
'My body is private,' was a more recent addition, and one that she could read and comprehend by herself now, although we did read it through together. And yes, there were many questions now too, with better insight, thanks to her age and peer group.
I had never kept any caretakers for her, or ever had any babysitters, so I was with her at all times till she was almost 3. After that, I did keep telling her about how parts of her body are private,
stranger danger, and how she needed to keep me informed all the time as to her whereabouts. More about that with our last book.
COME AND TELL ME
Be sensible - and safe
Written by Helen Hollick
Illustrated by Lynda Knott
Ages 4+ read aloud
A read-aloud story to help prevent child sexual abuse.
All parents can identify with this book, whether abuse is a possibility or not.
When Jenny plays with her friends in the park near her house, her mother can usually keep an eye on her from their window.
One day, Jenny was not to be seen anywhere, and her mother became frantic looking for her. Jenny had actually just gone to her friend Darren's house with him for an ice-cream, and got scolded by her mother on returning.
'Jenny was upset and began to cry. Why was Mum so angry?
Back indoors, Mrs McCann gave Jenny a big hug.
"I'm not really angry," she said, "but sometimes worrying makes you say and feel things you don't mean."
"I was only at Darren's house," sniffed Jenny.
"But I didn't know that, did I?" Mum answered.'
Then Jenny and her mother had a long chat about strangers, and how they can sometimes, not always, be bad, and how it is not easy to tell the good from the bad. How sometimes we need to take help from strangers. But, how it is important that she must not go anywhere with anyone, or get into someone's car or house without first asking her parents, or her teacher, or a trusted adult who is looking after her.
Also that a person who does not mean her any harm will usually not object to her informing her parents, or will not ask her to keep anything that they say or do a secret.
"The best and the most important thing to do," Mum added "is to always come and tell me where you want to go,...as long as you tell one of us, we will know where you are and that you are safe."
The book gives relevant points for discussion with a child, and cautions, that when children do come and tell,
"It is your part of the bargain, as an adult, to listen when they do come and tell."
I usually do that, sit down with a book when A is playing, so that I can keep an eye on her, and so that she can inform me if she wants to go elsewhere. And yes, going off to anyone's house is not allowed, except when they are people I know and trust.
Here are
some more books, printed material and other resources for parents to use to keep their child safe from the big bad wolf. There are also books like
this one recently reviewed at Saffrontree, which is an award-winning YA book dealing with abuse at home , or
this book by Anita Naik for teens - 'Little Book Self-Esteem', a wonderful book that I intend introducing to A a few years later. (Click on the link for similar books dealing with self-esteem and bullying, major monsters for children to overcome.)
Crossposted at
CSAAM and at
Saffrontree.
